Life Gives You Lemons

1. Baby will not fall asleep for love, money or mother’s sanity

2. Baby, however, is a pro at nursing lying down. And falling asleep.

3. Ninja mommy learns to cautiously, slowly remove her prone body from baby’s clasp without waking baby.

The maneuver involves gentle prying, gradual removal of all direct contact, and a finishing flourish in the rollaway without shaking mattress or causing noise. A skilled practioner lands catlike on both feet, making nary a sound, and beats a hasty retreat from the room.

Sigh, phew.

Then, life goes on, and mother’s sanity is recovered, with the use of beneficial fermenteds, calgon or other sanity restorers, as necessary.

Derivation: The slang term “coyote ugly” refers to the feeling of waking up next to someone and if necessary gnawing off your arm that he or she is sleeping on just so you can get away without waking them.