Life Gives You Lemons


I Want a Divorce.
September 10, 2007, 4:32 am
Filed under: consumer spew, lemons, odd random thoughts

I do love you, very much. It’s hard telling you this, though I know you don’t even realize how hard I tried to avoid it. I just can’t wait for you anymore. I gave you 8 years. I hoped you’d grow, mature, and eventually come around. I believed you could learn to listen. But now I just need to get on with my life.

I always swore I’d never start something new until the old was over and resolved, but I’m afraid there’s someone else. Turned my head in PA last month. Love at first sight. At least, enough to help me get over you. You deserve to know that yesterday he agreed to be mine. Soon.

Don’t think I forget the good times. Finding out about you was magic — in a magazine on a plane. I knew right away. You were the only one I could possibly want. You weren’t even available, but I fell hard.

A few months later my beloved Zeegey truck started to gasp for his last breaths. He kicked out on the road by my house, and I knew it was time. I pretended to look around at the other cars, compared stats, prices, features. But don’t you get it? I never test drove anything else.

I never even test drove you.

I didn’t have to. I searched everywhere for you, my yellow Nissan XTerra, and then I waited until you were mine. Call me a prude, I just knew.

We’ve been through a lot. You proudly wore your LEMONS license plate. In that small town you always ratted me out if I slept somewhere other than home. There was no pretending. But I always laughed.

We’d get cheery waves from other yellow X’s. Flashing headlights, shared chuckles. I searched the Internet (in vain) for a Yellow XTerra club. (You could’ve met my needs just by doing that.)

That scare in 2002 was bad though. You stranded me. At a gas station in Ohio. The garage thought you needed a whole new fuel pump until they found the failed wiring harness days later. You were still so new, I couldn’t help but wonder. So I went online again. And yes, I wasn’t the only one. A lot of XTerras were dying like that.

It wasn’t me, it was you.

I stood up for myself. I told you about the others online who’d had the same problem. I insisted you get treatment. You had stranded me hundreds of miles from home in February, so I insisted they return you to me. As soon as I checked the web I knew there would be a recall. You tried to ignore me. (Did you even try searching the web to see if I was right? Think how much sooner you could have known!)

If only you were willing to listen to those who know and love you. You could even reach out and ask others how they’re feeling about you, and what they’re experiencing. The web offers you so many ways to do this. But, no.

But the reason for our divorce is that you just couldn’t face the reality of my needs. Gas is expensive. I want a hybrid. In fact, I want no car more in the world than a yellow XTerra hybrid. I mean, the other guys like you went hybrid years ago. But you see, I don’t love them. I love you. So I waited and waited. I even emailed about it and got boilerplate kissoffs.

It was so obvious. How could the car that was made for funky outdoorsy enthusiasts not come out in a hybrid? I mean c’mon, the Ford Escape? Have you seen what a bad kockoff of you that thing is? He frigging stole your exact yellow paint color. I always hated him for that.

It’s true I don’t haul sheep, grain and hay regularly anymore. Gas is expensive. I live near a city now. But if you’d only listened, I would have stayed with the new, hybrid you.

If you have to know, it’s the Honda Fit that caught my eye, as the roomiest & safest of the fuel efficient little cars. Its no hybrid but it gets twice your fuel economy while still managing carseats, hockey bags and gigantic hairy dogs. It breaks my heart I can’t get it in yellow, but I’ll learn to love it. I’ll learn to love orange. And no, I haven’t taken a test drive with him either. I’m at least that loyal.

But I’m not leaving you because of the Fit, I’m leaving you because of you. It’ll be hard to move on. I wish you’d learned to listen. I also (god, I’m pathetic) want you to know there’s help for you. It’s called social media and conversations with your customers. Please try it. I’d come back in a heartbeat, I really would.

The world needs a hybrid XTerra. And I need you.

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We (heart) Jezebel
July 17, 2007, 3:11 am
Filed under: consumer spew, rants

Faith Hill is a beautiful woman. Most covergirls are. So WTF’s the point in trying to make average women everywhere hate their looks by photoshopping models like this?

Let’s hope the “real cover photos” bounty hunt continues.



Seven Hours on the Tarmac (Delta, we have a problem)
June 28, 2007, 3:04 am
Filed under: Attention TV People!, consumer spew, news of the weird, parenting

Don’t get mad… Get funny.

OMG, my heart goes out to the parents of those screaming babies. I would have clawed through the emergency exit door. As much as it sucked for the other passengers, the parents (and, well, the children)… that’s just a special ring of hell.

Dear corporations with lousy customer service,

Your Base Are All Belong to Us.

Carry on however you like, but don’t come crying to us when your colossal bad moves turn up on CNN. Go ahead, keep heckling your customers. We could all use a good laugh.

Love,

The People Formerly Known as the Audience

Thanks everyone for posting/flagging/mentioning this. Thanks in advance everyone else who will have it tomorrow. TV Journalists, even though this has not been on BoingBoing yet, your timer has already started. Oh and thanks Aunt Gertrude who will forward this to me in, say, 2-3 years?

UDPATE: Jeremiah says Delta has failed to respond



A Cold Day in Credit Hell
June 26, 2007, 5:51 pm
Filed under: consumer spew

This steams my cookies!

I don’t know what to bitch about first. The Credit Bureaus make their money off collecting very sensitive information about you and selling it to more or less whoever asks. Oh right, and selling it to you also (though by law they have to give you one free copy a year.)

So, they’re lobbying against laws that help/could help you protect yourself from ID theft and credit fraud. Freezing your credit is a way of protecting yourself from ID theft by making it harder to open new credit accounts in your name. The Consumer Credit Data Industry Association is lobbying against credit freezes. Cuz hey, while your credit is frozen, they can’t sell it. You bastard.